Reconciling with Forgiveness

Forgiveness keeps cropping up of late. Forgiveness is also a difficult concept for us. The adage, "forgive and forget" is generally not helpful, and often clouds the issue for us. Memory and forgiveness often go hand-in-hand, whether we want them to or not. The deeper and more important the issue forgiven, the more it becomes impossible to be forgotten. I might be able to lay aside an issue I have forgiven, but forgetting and trusting remain as difficult hurdles. I need to forgive others, but does that mean I must blindly trust them henceforth? In many cases, I’m not sure that is even possible, much less wise or beneficial.

Setting aside that morality and economics are closely tied together, it's probably helpful to remember that forgiveness is first of all an economic question and secondarily a moral question. The forgiveness of debts is primary to understanding what forgiveness is all about. In fact, that is why some versions of The Lord's Prayer express forgiveness regarding debts, while others indicate trespasses. Debt forgiveness is more basic than the other kinds of things we grapple with forgiving. It is also a bit easier to hold at a distance to discuss with less emotional entanglement.

Debt forgiveness is more basic. It is much more clinical, and thus easier to define. Forgiveness regarding debts simply cleans the slate and the balance sheet. No one owes anything, and we have the chance to start our dealings over from a blank slate as regards an economic relationship. I do not owe you, and you do not owe me.

This is the image Jesus presents in his parable about a king forgiving a huge debt of a slave who then refuses to forgive a manageable debt another owed him in turn. The king’s forgiveness was in no way earned, but granted as an act of mercy. When the king discovers how the slave is treating another, however, the relationship changes. The slave is then called back to account for his deeds and his enormous debts are reinstated.

The king had not forgotten the canceled debt. The intent was to restore the slave and allow him to become worthy of the cancellation. He failed. Canceling debt allows us a new beginning. It does not take us back where we can never return. Our canceled debts are no longer held against us. Broken trust, however, will now figure into how that relationship proceeds forward. In this story, the slave proved he was unworthy of being trusted going forward.

As Jesus speaks of forgiveness and giving to others, we learn that we are both to continually forgive and also to treat loans as gifts with no expectation of repayment. If I can't afford to do that, I have no business making the loan. At the heart of it all, the resources in our hands never belonged to us to begin with. They are of God’s provision, and we are simply given charge of them.

Moving to the more obviously moral questions of forgiveness, if someone has harmed me or my loved ones, I can and should forgive them. I should no longer hold a grudge or those actions against the perpetrator. That does not mean that I should place myself in the position of allowing them to harm me or my loved ones again. I don't need to fight them or seek to harm them. I do not need to devise ways to "get back" at them. That is not where forgiveness directs us. Where it does take us is to allowing for reconciliation without requiring repayment for harm, damage, or unpaid debts. The point of forgiveness is reconciliation.

In fact, the parable about the king and the slave with debts is found in a section of Matthew very specifically devoted to concerns of reconciliation through forgiveness. That reconciliation, however, requires input and commitment from both parties. It requires that both sides cease hostilities. That both parties set aside grievances. It requires both parties seek reconciliation, not as a means to gain the upper hand, but to become partners in fellowship on the road of life.

We tend to look upon forgiveness as one party setting aside all grievances and determining that reconciliation is not even an option. That is a misconstruction of forgiveness, a short-sighted perspective focused simply on diffusing conflict. For forgiveness to reach its full potential and purpose, both parties must accept the need for forgiveness and for putting their mutual welfare ahead of any personal gain or advancement.

Forgiveness is about reconciliation. It is about restoring community. It is about coming together in mutual accord, setting aside whatever has broken the relationship to enable new life and possibility. It goes far beyond canceling debts, but it treats that cancellation just as clinically. It removes the emotional angst and animosity between the parties to enable them to be restored. When I forgive, I am freed from carrying the emotional burden of the harm transpired. When one who has offended accepts their responsibility and need for forgiveness, there is a possibility for restoring a relationship. As long as we cannot forgive or cannot accept forgiveness, however, there can be no reconciliation. It is that reconciliation to which we should be working. Without it, no one can be fully healed.

— ©Copyright 2023, Christopher B. Harbin 

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